Stuck with no words

This morning I woke up regretting for all the stuffs I spilled last night. Am also feeling guilty for not attending mass today, although I was the one who said I needed more sleep when mama tried to wake me up. I am not sure what was the main cause that I was moody for the whole day, last night or this morning.

I wonder why am I worrying about stuffs that are beyond my control when I can't even make the right decision when it comes to things that I actually have a choice. To spill, or not, is a choice. To get more sleep or prioritize God, I get to decide. Perhaps I have overestimated myself. I am just a girl, a little girl who needs God. I should always remember that.

Pessi

"The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised."

Moment

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You say that I am lazy yet I am here to clarify one thing.

That is I've never stopped thinking, not even a day or a second.

You can claim that I have not accomplished anything, 

but you do not assume I have an empty head.

It is not blank, at all.

And you can never doubt what is inside.

When its content gains as age grows, it does not fade no matter how strong the wind blows.

While it is like the climate, sickened by the surrounding, making it a catastrophe.

x

Hey 2015

Spent the first day of the year hulahooping in front of the tv. The weather was cold today, a little cloudy and also windy. I think it rained for awhile, had no idea but I guess I heard the sound of the raindrops. Neither there's any exciting matter nor the post celebration remainder we used to have. Everything is so peaceful and quiet, just like another ordinary day, for me.

I'm not sure if the others feel the same, perhaps not from the feed I have been scrolling over and over. But I am not feeling anything from the new year, except for the depression I drowned myself in. Today is not as bad as Christmas Eve, I swear both the eve and Christmas day itself tried to kill me at least two hundred times.

Just too much happenings recently, one comes before another is completely settled. I really miss how things used to be yet I know there's nothing to be blamed on. I fully believed in God that this is no harm, and He gives us the best of what we deserve. I hope all of us could understand this, as what we need the most now is to keep having faith, and keep loving each other.

We cannot break, and we should not break. Neither break up nor breakdown, no. We gotta be strong, and keep praying. It's heartbreaking all the time to see how things have changed, and how people have been affected. I admit that I was trying to run away at first, run away from this reality that I didn't want to accept. Yet I faced and accepted it, and now I have decided to stay.

I am not leaving. As I know I am needed here, to be with them. Perhaps I have already known what I should prioritize, what I want to protect in my life. They will always be my priority, and they are the ones that I want to protect in my life, and with my life. It's time to really grow up, and know what my responsibilities are.

Neither I have big goals to set nor to achieve this year, what I have been thinking of is all them. I only hope that they are all blessed with good health and showered with love and happiness, that's all I ask for. For me myself, I am gonna slowly discover what I really like to do and do it with all the best that I could as it is time.

It's time for some real hard work.