莫忘初衷

今早我在许多老朋友的 facebook 上问好。我不是无聊，我只是突然觉得好迷茫。

他们都有回复我，有几个甚至还送私信来了。

突然我的 facebook msgr 响了，这一位算是好久没好好谈几句了，之前是 one of the 最熟的。

还没把未来给谈上，她只单单把她来临三个月的计划告诉我，我就觉得遥不可及。
我很坦白地问了她：“我怎么还是仍然不懂自己该做什么，像是一无是处？” 我真的很丧气地问道。

她回问我：“怎么啦？你的梦想不是要拯救地球吗？想想你未来要做什么吧。”

我愣住了。
“拯救地球” 这四个字好像在我脑海里消失了很久，如今又慢慢地浮现出来。
我怎么会把我的理想给忘了，她却还记得？

我一直不停地挣扎，怪自己怎么不能像别人一样过着有理想的生活，一直逼迫自己决定未来要什么，却忘了最初的起点，忘了那个最有热忱的自己。

直到如今我还在寻找着，迷茫的寻找着。寻找着答案，寻找着我喜欢做的事，寻找着梦想。

老朋友提醒了我最初的理想，突然所有的事情都似乎 make sense 了。

你笑我要如何拯救地球，我却觉得我好像在通往拯救地球的途径了。
我走对方向了。

An unusual brunch date that leads to a promised gathering in 2018

Had a very special brunch date today, my followers on Instagram would have seen a few pics that I had uploaded earlier. 

Spaghetti with Seafood in Tomato Sauce

I didn't change my phone but using my own phone to capture this instead. I posted this photo on WeChat earlier and people kept asking whether I had changed my phone. How did I manage to take photo if my phone was on the table, right? The phone was somebody else's where she complained that casing for iPhone 5 is so difficult to find now, and I asked her to change to a newer version, heh.

x

Introducing my date of the day, 

Well, after I have posted this photo on Instagram, a lot of my friends have been asking which guy is this I'm dating with. I'm very sorry to disappoint you guys that she is not a guy. 

She is a she, HAHA.

So you must be thinking why was this casual brunch date special, what made it so unusual as I've been mentioning about it. 

Did you notice that I was actually holding a pen trying to write something?

That's the point! What was I writing?

x

So, this girl had an idea of sending each other a letter to the 3-year-later us. That means I had to write a letter answering the questions she prepared for me to a 3-year-later her, and vice versa. And basically I was forced to think a few questions for her, spontaneously.

It took me time at first as she had prepared the questions earlier at home. Then I found that it was so heart-felted and warm yet there was one thing that I could not guarantee is that I would still remember where I had kept the paper 3 years later :p

We had talks and jokes when we just started writing until both of us got into a serious writing mode. I suddenly realized that it had been a long time since the last time I was doing this kind of stuff, making cards, writing letters. I miss those days, regardless to whom I am doing these for, but to really show appreciation and to feel appreciated.

I wrote too long and even needed extra papers, but this girl was silently taking selfies -_-

in progress of writing, serious mode: ON

Till we got the letters done, and promised each other not to open it until 3 years later, which is going to be 21st July, 2018. It is quite a long time to go, but think about it, it was 2012 three years ago, and now it is already 2015. It sounds like I'm talking crap but this actually brings me to deep thoughts.

x

No matter how will it be 3 years later, I sincerely hope that you're living a happy life, doing better than ever. Never give up on your dreams as I have faith in you.

Till our next gathering!

p/s: I have no idea why did you take a panorama view of me but thanks for all the decent photos! :)

Arctic Monkeys

ooh too sexy that I couldn't breathe

Giveaway by Hermo

The mailman came yesterday with a parcel in his mini van, I was waiting for its arrival since last week! Have a look and guess what I got!

This packaging looks familiar, right? YAS, it was from Hermo but NOPE, I didn't do any purchase this time! *evil grin* It was something from the giveaway!!! Let's proceed to the unwrapping of the box...

I could already smell the scent of green tea while I was unwrapping the box! And it was so so so nice. The product was also wrapped in bubble plastic which gave it an extra protection so it could reach me safe and sound *bubbles popping sound*. 

Here it came the Green Tea Cleansing Foam from Innisfree! I've never tried this brand before, but already heard tons of good comments about it. Hermo made my first try of Innisfree come true! 

<3

So you must be curious that how did I actually win the giveaway, heheheh.

What I can say is, I was really lucky for winning that. I didn't really believe in "luck", but sometimes you just couldn't deny it.

It happened when I commented on a post on Hermo's Instagram page (hermomy), regarding the giveaway.

Green tea related stuffs usually attract me easily, and its milky green colour attracted me more. And of cos that time the giveaway was still open, so I was thinking why not give it a try? I only needed to comment anything without any special requirements or R&R, it was definitely worth a try.

So my comment was as shown as below:

Yes, it was just as simple as that! I didn't expect to win or anything, just wanted to be catchy and fun. And I basically forgot about it after I had done commenting. HAHA

Until a notification like this came the next day,

I was about to go out that time, and when I checked my phone... OK idk how to describe the feeling. As I found it unbelievable, I had won the giveaway! I thought that July's gonna be good, crossing my fingers. And it was a Thursday evening when I submitted my details to Hermo, and I live in East Msia so I understand that it actually took time for my parcel to arrive. And YAS I received my parcel yesterday, on Tuesday afternoon! :)

It was such a great experience and it boosted a little of my faith in luck now hahah. And of cos Hermo itself is a trusted company with various beauty products to be chosen, turnin' beauty in a click! I have had a few times of shopping experience with Hermo, and have already now become one of my current obsessions :p (shh...)

Before I'm off from the line, here's a promo code to share with you guys. YASSS, PROMO CODE, which means you can use it to get discount by purchasing goods of total RM100 and above. Don't think that RM100 is a huge amount cos you will know how hard it is to resist yourself when you start browsing thru the products they have! The promotion is valid until 19th July :)

The PROMO CODE is: *hint hint*

Hope you enjoy your online shopping and it's time for me to try out my new Innisfree Green Tea Cleansing Foam from Hermo! See you and you will see me in clear and nice skin I hope, heheh.  xx

Too good to be true

Hello Maldives!

HAHAHAH JK.

Of cos I'm not in Maldives, I'm only in a pic which I got from Google last night trying to paste myself in. I tried to fool my friends too but obviously I still need to level up my editing skills first. Yet I'm kinda satisfied with this as I did it using only MS Paint and some Instagram filter.

I had fun doing this last night and uploaded to my Instagram, and got busted within an hour's time (oh well...). But the main purpose of this was only for fun, so I hope this actually entertained you when you scroll thru my post on your feed! :p

Oh and, don't worry, the travel posts I'm writing soon are definitely original photos which I had taken back from the trips. 100% genuine without editing, I promise!!! Don't lose trust on me just because of this edited photo! HAHA till then!

Stop waiting & start doing

Hello July! Ok I admit that I wanted and tried to start this with a more special way but I suck at this. So yeah, hello people! It's the first day of July and people out there they are doing the "new month new me" thing again, and I'm not being judgmental but at least I'm trying to remind myself that everyday is a brand new day if I treat it as one. You can always have a new start whenever you get a new day, or perhaps you can just start it off the next second. You just need not to wait.

It sounds convincing, but perhaps not from a person like me. I still believe in "good things come to those who wait", so I will be constantly waiting. JK, when I say that I mean when something which is out of your control, or maybe something unpredictable which comes surprisingly great. Perhaps it should be changed to "good things come to those who has patience", it could be patiently waiting, patiently being persistent, patiently *adds verb* whatever you do. I guess it would then be applicable to everyone.

I don't have really big plans for this coming month, half of the year has passed and I am glad that it went well although it went up & down. Yet it was good, I had almost completed what I wanted to complete, esp studies. I could say I had put twice my effort compared to last year's and I know I could do even better and I'm putting myself on this challenge for next semester. (Please keep reminding me if you read this, cos you know I'm always forgetful, and demotivated :p)

I don't have any really big plans yet I have a few things to try out and also consistently doing them. First of all is to keep writing blogs. It takes me quite some time to think of what to blog about nowadays, and I always end up not writing at all, but I still wanna record and write. So I'm gonna get myself back to the blogging routine, not to say to improve my skills, at least to get it maintained. Besides that, I'm kinda interested in handlettering recently, and am thinking to develop some penmanship and calligraphy skills! It sounds interesting, isn't it? heheheh ok, maybe only to me.

Last but not least, I'm gonna start posting travel photos from last year cos I suddenly got the urge to do so again. So stay tuned! x

Tony Bennett, Lady Gaga - But Beautiful (Studio Video)

Hi June

June is here and finals is the last thing to go before this semester ends. Got to learn how to accurately pronounce the word 'semester' as well today, and also bersembang, tersebar. Time really flies, and I thought it was only March when it is already June. As I swear it was like only a blink of eye since I just came here earlier this semester.

And I'm going home tomorrow, after my first paper. I haven't studied anything yet, and we are actually allowed to bring textbooks into the hall tomorrow but I don't have the books. I am not buying the books for more than a hundred bucks just for a few days of usage although I have the BB1M vouchers, still no.

I'm apparently not in the revision mode yet, and people have been asking the same question, "will you study when you go home, cyn?" I really did not think about it when I decided to book the tics home after I had found out that my real paper is on the 24th. Well, my answer is "have to lah". It is a must, anyway.

Honestly, I'm not ready to go home yet. Perhaps it's because I will still come back for the final paper in 2 weeks' time which leaves me and my heart hanging. Internal marks are adding up, doing good, and I can't wait to pass Geology 101!!!

What is your ideal 'average' day?

What would it look like if everything in your life was balanced, satisfying, and in line with what matters most to you? Take a moment now to pause and create a quiet environment for yourself. You can close your eyes for a few moments if you want to. Bring your attention to the activities and people in your life that make you feel most happy, content or satisfied. Now, imagine that you are waking up and it is the perfect day. You get to decide exactly what you are doing from the moment you get up until the moment you sleep. It can contain anything you want – don’t feel restrained by normal geographic limitations, financial constraints or health conditions. Anything is possible during your ideal day. Keep in mind, it’s about an ideal “average” day, which means it may have seemingly mundane activities like sleeping and eating, and is a day you could happily repeat many times without getting bored or injured.

What would your ideal average day be like? :)

Leave me alone

Don't people know how much courage a person actually takes to say "Please don't go"? Asking someone not to leave may sound annoying, but it shows how much the person is willing to give in, swallowing pride, begging for you to stay.

But no, I would never do that again. All the ones that I showed my weakness to had totally ignored my flaw. They made you think they were the ones that you could trust, that you could expose yourself to, so convincing. And when you did, they left your wounds opened and even you yourself would laugh at yourself, like a fool.

How many times did I hold back from asking people to stay? How many times did I actually leave when you asked me not to go? Sometimes I wonder if I have overrated the relationship we have between human beings.

Facebook Stories - The Conditioned

The Conditioned from Facebook Stories on Vimeo.

Stranger with memories

I was back to the place where we used to share memories together. It reminded me of the you whom had occupied 2/3 of my high school life. It wasn't all about you, but you were a large part, and I could not possibly not remember you when I came back to the familiar place of ours. Even the weather was so familiar, and the benches were still there, just that I was not wearing my uniform, and we were not us anymore.

I imagined myself meeting you. With imagination, I didn't bring too much expectation. I didn't really want to meet you there, just in case. I either think too much of the best things or the worst, there's rarely something in between. Grey is confusing. While I was busy searching for somebody else, I thought that the somebody was the one who I wanted to meet the most. Then my friends shouted my name in the crowd and pointed to the same direction.

Black skinny jeans, and the black rimmed, all so familiar. It was you. I could not describe the feeling I had when I saw you. It was far from what I had expected it to be, all the scenarios that I had been practising in my mind earlier, all failed to happen. I mean, it happened, but it didn't go as well as how I planned to make myself act. It was not the adrenaline kind of rush, it didn't make me wanted to go and talk to you, but my heart still raced and I didn't know what to do, even I couldn't really focus on the performance I was watching, at all.

I couldn't stop myself from trying to peek downwards, as there was where you were standing. Then I asked myself, "do I still wanna see that somebody that I first wanted to see? yes," "is that somebody as important as this guy who is standing in front of me? perhaps not,". Yet I was afraid that you would see me and look into my eyes, cos I would not know how to react. I guessed I just could not wave at you, and smile. In fact, I seriously could not because this was proven when all of us got down after the performance had ended.

You knew that I saw you and I doubted you did not see me. I walked around and talked to those friends who I hadn't seen for ages, and inside I was struggling to go or not to go to you. I still couldn't stop my eyes from wandering to you, and also my mind. I noticed that you were looking at me too, but there was no perfect timing that both of our eyes could actually meet each other's. Then I thought it was just a hi, although I was still struggling, I should just go and do it, until I saw who was standing beside you.

Your girlfriend, and your girlfriend's mother were there standing beside you. I could just go to you and say hi as a long-time-no-see-friend, but I found no point doing that when I was still treating myself as your ex. No doubt I was good at using my wonderful social skills, but not in the situation when an ex meets her ex with her ex's girlfriend and the mother of her ex's girlfriend. What on earth was this kind of situation? And at last I decided not to, as I seriously could not handle this.

I don't think I was too sensitive but I knew that you tried to stand as near as possible where I was standing. There was once when we only stood behind each other, but I was still busy talking so I did not bother. I did not mean to say that you actually did it on purpose, but you were intended. For the first time, I finally successfully held myself back. I used to do everything that I could, just to see you or talk to you. This time I did not, I did not crave that much.

Till I saw you walking away from the crowd, that was the time I knew that I had lost you again. One thing I still couldn't get over was that I still tend to put the blame on myself. I felt guilty for not going over to say hi, and let us slipped like strangers. Then I realized, if you wanted to say hi, you would actually come over first and take the move. It was unnecessary for me to always take the first step. And it convinced me a little, at least. But hey, didn't it bother you even a little? When I acted like I did not see you, or perhaps when I acted as a stranger to you? Although I did not purposely do that.

But what happened and what was inside me make me wonder. As it was Valentine's day which reminded me of our last Valentine's day 2 years ago. We had broken up but we remained more than friends. 2 years ago you made me feel like we were gonna be together again, then you disappeared. After 2 years's time and my heart still raced for you. I admit that I fell for somebody else when I thought I had actually moved on. Yes, I have moved on, but not completely over you. And I will never tell anybody saying that I am not over you.

And I guess I will never really get over you. I still double tapped on your girlfriend's insta pictures that showed me what Valentine's gift you bought for her and saying that you are her Valentine. Yes, I know that you won't be mine anymore, and I do not hope for you to come back as well. What done is done. I am not here to write about the past, but my Valentine's post is dedicated to you, with a nice date, with the time set as 1117pm.

I am so sad to say that, it took me 2 years to realize that I still wanted you.

To whom may concern

I was somehow amazed that I had been told that who and who are actually reading this. I know I put the link all over my social media profiles, just that I thought nobody would actually click into it. Oops, there's actually somebody doing this, and I srsly thank you for being curious about me. Perhaps you're just looking for something to read, like how I usually do.

I'm not writing this post to say I'm offended because of who and who are trying to judge me by the way I write, or express myself, as I am the one who decided to expose myself, but to whom may concern.

People might think that I am weird. I dislike people exposing my blog and its contents while I am the one who posts my link all over my profiles. They thought I did so because I just needed readers. Yes, I need readers, I don't blog for fun. I blog with all my heart. All the words you see here has no even 1% of unnecessary attention. If you think that you cannot accept this, you probably cannot accept me. As this is gonna be the deeper me that you are going to face.

I am stressed of how I need to hide posts from anyone, even sometimes some of my closest friends make me doing that. It isn't because of I'm trying to hide anything from them, it's because they make me feel like what I'm writing was unacceptable, it didn't suit what I'm trying to show the world outside, and they couldn't accept that this is the me that they have known for so long. And yes, I don't want to disappoint them as well, so I'll be continue hiding posts, or deleting posts once they found out.

There's one thing I have to mention, what's in the Internet, stays in the Internet. This is the virtual world where I choose to escape from the reality, I don't wish someone could actually bring up what I'm choosing to hide from the reality, to the reality. I didn't show something to the outside because I chose not to.

I imagine my readers reading my blog like a world in the another side, although I don't really know a lot of beautiful vocabularies. You crawl into my deeper side to see what I see, to hear what I hear, and to feel what I feel. This is why I'm blogging. I crave people who actually understand why I'm writing, not people who are trying to understand what I'm writing. It's alright if you don't, I don't beg people to put their feet in my shoes. Yet you don't query me for what I post as a me that you think you didn't know, or you didn't want to know.

Yes, you may ask a question or give a comment on my issue, only back in the virtual world. What's in the Internet, stays in the Internet. Like srsly, you want me to dig all my stuffs out to you face to face when I don't even plan to let you know in person? Come on. I'll definitely talk to you if I want to. Otherwise, please keep what you read here to yourself, the others will read it themselves, and I will tell you myself.

I know this post is kinda offensive, but I am not pinpointing anyone out there, and I know most of you are the people that I know in real life. And if you're reading this, I didn't private my blog because I trust you. Yeah I still care what I'm posting, and how I'm presenting myself to you. I just hope that you could accept me, perhaps not as much as the whole me, but this me who is trying to be honest to myself.

The parallel universe

We always go to bed at 11, and end up having midnight talk till one of us fall asleep first. The topic that my sis and I discussed last night was about the parallel universe.

We asked papa some questions regarding the universe to see what he thinks about it. Papa was amazed when we told him how big the universe is, as he thought that the solar system is already the limit when the universe is yet waiting to be discovered. Then I realized, the more we know, the smaller we get, and the more helpless we are.

I guess, if there was another me in the another galaxy, and I could do something, I would send my food to her. As if she got fatter, I got slimmer. That's how the parallel universe works, right? :p

And the logic thing is, if I sent my food over, I would have less food here and eat less! NGAHAHAH!

Here is one of my art piece I sketched this afternoon when I got my new stylus to draw on my iPad.

What if I were a potato in the parallel universe? 

Would you still love me?

Stuck with no words

This morning I woke up regretting for all the stuffs I spilled last night. Am also feeling guilty for not attending mass today, although I was the one who said I needed more sleep when mama tried to wake me up. I am not sure what was the main cause that I was moody for the whole day, last night or this morning.

I wonder why am I worrying about stuffs that are beyond my control when I can't even make the right decision when it comes to things that I actually have a choice. To spill, or not, is a choice. To get more sleep or prioritize God, I get to decide. Perhaps I have overestimated myself. I am just a girl, a little girl who needs God. I should always remember that.

Pessi

"The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised."

Moment

x

You say that I am lazy yet I am here to clarify one thing.

That is I've never stopped thinking, not even a day or a second.

You can claim that I have not accomplished anything, 

but you do not assume I have an empty head.

It is not blank, at all.

And you can never doubt what is inside.

When its content gains as age grows, it does not fade no matter how strong the wind blows.

While it is like the climate, sickened by the surrounding, making it a catastrophe.

x

Hey 2015

Spent the first day of the year hulahooping in front of the tv. The weather was cold today, a little cloudy and also windy. I think it rained for awhile, had no idea but I guess I heard the sound of the raindrops. Neither there's any exciting matter nor the post celebration remainder we used to have. Everything is so peaceful and quiet, just like another ordinary day, for me.

I'm not sure if the others feel the same, perhaps not from the feed I have been scrolling over and over. But I am not feeling anything from the new year, except for the depression I drowned myself in. Today is not as bad as Christmas Eve, I swear both the eve and Christmas day itself tried to kill me at least two hundred times.

Just too much happenings recently, one comes before another is completely settled. I really miss how things used to be yet I know there's nothing to be blamed on. I fully believed in God that this is no harm, and He gives us the best of what we deserve. I hope all of us could understand this, as what we need the most now is to keep having faith, and keep loving each other.

We cannot break, and we should not break. Neither break up nor breakdown, no. We gotta be strong, and keep praying. It's heartbreaking all the time to see how things have changed, and how people have been affected. I admit that I was trying to run away at first, run away from this reality that I didn't want to accept. Yet I faced and accepted it, and now I have decided to stay.

I am not leaving. As I know I am needed here, to be with them. Perhaps I have already known what I should prioritize, what I want to protect in my life. They will always be my priority, and they are the ones that I want to protect in my life, and with my life. It's time to really grow up, and know what my responsibilities are.

Neither I have big goals to set nor to achieve this year, what I have been thinking of is all them. I only hope that they are all blessed with good health and showered with love and happiness, that's all I ask for. For me myself, I am gonna slowly discover what I really like to do and do it with all the best that I could as it is time.

It's time for some real hard work.