I was back to the place where we used to share memories together. It reminded me of the you whom had occupied 2/3 of my high school life. It wasn't all about you, but you were a large part, and I could not possibly not remember you when I came back to the familiar place of ours. Even the weather was so familiar, and the benches were still there, just that I was not wearing my uniform, and we were not us anymore.
I imagined myself meeting you. With imagination, I didn't bring too much expectation. I didn't really want to meet you there, just in case. I either think too much of the best things or the worst, there's rarely something in between. Grey is confusing. While I was busy searching for somebody else, I thought that the somebody was the one who I wanted to meet the most. Then my friends shouted my name in the crowd and pointed to the same direction.
Black skinny jeans, and the black rimmed, all so familiar. It was you. I could not describe the feeling I had when I saw you. It was far from what I had expected it to be, all the scenarios that I had been practising in my mind earlier, all failed to happen. I mean, it happened, but it didn't go as well as how I planned to make myself act. It was not the adrenaline kind of rush, it didn't make me wanted to go and talk to you, but my heart still raced and I didn't know what to do, even I couldn't really focus on the performance I was watching, at all.
I couldn't stop myself from trying to peek downwards, as there was where you were standing. Then I asked myself, "do I still wanna see that somebody that I first wanted to see? yes," "is that somebody as important as this guy who is standing in front of me? perhaps not,". Yet I was afraid that you would see me and look into my eyes, cos I would not know how to react. I guessed I just could not wave at you, and smile. In fact, I seriously could not because this was proven when all of us got down after the performance had ended.
You knew that I saw you and I doubted you did not see me. I walked around and talked to those friends who I hadn't seen for ages, and inside I was struggling to go or not to go to you. I still couldn't stop my eyes from wandering to you, and also my mind. I noticed that you were looking at me too, but there was no perfect timing that both of our eyes could actually meet each other's. Then I thought it was just a hi, although I was still struggling, I should just go and do it, until I saw who was standing beside you.
Your girlfriend, and your girlfriend's mother were there standing beside you. I could just go to you and say hi as a long-time-no-see-friend, but I found no point doing that when I was still treating myself as your ex. No doubt I was good at using my wonderful social skills, but not in the situation when an ex meets her ex with her ex's girlfriend and the mother of her ex's girlfriend. What on earth was this kind of situation? And at last I decided not to, as I seriously could not handle this.
I don't think I was too sensitive but I knew that you tried to stand as near as possible where I was standing. There was once when we only stood behind each other, but I was still busy talking so I did not bother. I did not mean to say that you actually did it on purpose, but you were intended. For the first time, I finally successfully held myself back. I used to do everything that I could, just to see you or talk to you. This time I did not, I did not crave that much.
Till I saw you walking away from the crowd, that was the time I knew that I had lost you again. One thing I still couldn't get over was that I still tend to put the blame on myself. I felt guilty for not going over to say hi, and let us slipped like strangers. Then I realized, if you wanted to say hi, you would actually come over first and take the move. It was unnecessary for me to always take the first step. And it convinced me a little, at least. But hey, didn't it bother you even a little? When I acted like I did not see you, or perhaps when I acted as a stranger to you? Although I did not purposely do that.
But what happened and what was inside me make me wonder. As it was Valentine's day which reminded me of our last Valentine's day 2 years ago. We had broken up but we remained more than friends. 2 years ago you made me feel like we were gonna be together again, then you disappeared. After 2 years's time and my heart still raced for you. I admit that I fell for somebody else when I thought I had actually moved on. Yes, I have moved on, but not completely over you. And I will never tell anybody saying that I am not over you.
And I guess I will never really get over you. I still double tapped on your girlfriend's insta pictures that showed me what Valentine's gift you bought for her and saying that you are her Valentine. Yes, I know that you won't be mine anymore, and I do not hope for you to come back as well. What done is done. I am not here to write about the past, but my Valentine's post is dedicated to you, with a nice date, with the time set as 1117pm.
I am so sad to say that, it took me 2 years to realize that I still wanted you.
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